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a quick joke or two about Canada and my home town...Winnipeg

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a quick joke or two about Canada and my home town...Winnipeg

Postby Kensei » Tue Nov 27, 2007 7:16 am

So, I walked outside this week end and it virtually went from sweater weather to parka weather overnight! We had NO snow on the ground Friday night and Saturday I had to shovel the foot of snow that fell and is now here to stay! Welcome to Winnipeg....if you dont like the weather...wait a minute.
So, it got me to thinking. I really have not put a chronicle together as of late and maybe it is time for my frost bitten arse to do so! here are a couple of Ha Ha's for you guys to look at.....try getting on a running program to drop weight when you dont know if you need running shoes or snow shoes!! :shock:

Signs you may be a Canadian
1. You understand that having an extension cord on your car does not mean that it's electric.

2. You're not offended by the term, "Homo Milk"

3. You understand the phrase, "Could you please pass me a serviette, I just spilled my poutine"

4. You drink pop, not soda.

5. You know that "a mickey" and "2-4's" mean "Party at the cabin eh!!"

6. You can drink legally while still a 'teen'.

7. You know that francophones, anglophones and allophones are not electronic devices.

8. When there is a social problem, you turn to your government to fix it instead of telling them to stay out of it.

9. You're not sure if the leader of our nation has EVER had sex and don't want to know if he has!

10. You get milk in bags as well as cartons and plastic jugs.

11. Pike is a type of fish, not some part of a highway.

12. You voted for a political leader who admitted to smoking pot.

13. You know who Tim Horton is, and drink his product daily!

14. You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers.

15. You know that Thrills are something to chew and "taste like soap".

16. You know that Mounties "don't always look like that."

17. When your Soldiers go off to another country it is a Peace Keeping Mission and we dont bring a USO, we bring Tims!

18. You know that Canada is the only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.

19. when it hits Minus 20 you dont hide inside...you get your blades sharpened!

20. When you got to the hospital they dont ask for your insurance, they ask were it hurts!
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Postby Kensei » Tue Nov 27, 2007 7:21 am

Now for those of you not understanding the temperature here in Canada I have set up a little conversion guide for you:( actually I stole it and it is an old one, but I ajdusted it for the MMA world!)

The Canadian Temperature Conversion Guide:

+20° C= Most Americans are comfortable. Manitobans are melting!

+15° C = People in Phoenix try to turn on the heat. Manitobans plant gardens.

+10° C = Floridians shiver uncontrollably. Winnipeggers sunbathe.

+5° C = Italian cars won't start. Winnipeggers drive with the windows down.

Zero° C = Distilled water freezes. Winnipeg's water gets thicker.

-5° C = New Yorkers wear coats, gloves & wool hats. Manitobans throw on a T-shirt.

-15° C = People from California begin to evacuate the State. Manitobans go swimming.

-20° C = Chicago landlords finally turn up the heat. Manitobans have the last cookout before it gets cold.

-25° C = People in Orlando cease to exist. Manitobans lick flagpoles.

-30° C = Calgarians fly away to Mexico. Manitobans throw on a light jacket.

-40° C = Hamilton disintegrates. Manitobans rent some videos.

-50° C = Mt. St. Helen's freezes. Winnipeg Girl Scouts begin selling cookies door to door.

-60° C = Polar bears begin to evacuate the Arctic. Manitoban Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets cold enough.

-80° C = Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. Winnipeggers pull down their earflaps.

-100° C = Ethyl alcohol freezes. Manitobans get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.

-200° C = Microbial life survives on dairy products. Manitoba cows complain of farmers with cold hands.

-300° C = ALL atomic motion stops. Manitobans start saying "Cold 'nuff for ya?"

-400° C = Hell freezes over. Mirko Cro Cop wins the HW Championship!
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Postby Kensei » Tue Nov 27, 2007 7:25 am

Now to be serious, this is what started this post. I was on my way to the office today and parked in a mall near by to get a coffee. I noticed an old couple, about 80's getting ready to do some mall walking, a practice her in Winnipeg when it gets to cold to walk outside for exercise! So, it is minus 15 here right now and with the "wind chill" ( if you need an explanation it would take to long) it is about minus 30. they get out of the car and take off their parkas to walk the half block to the mall....outside. The rationel! it is only a half block and it is not that cold yet.......Welcome to Winterpeg! Tough as nails and just enough beer in the water to make it worth the visit!!! :wink:
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Postby Gurre » Tue Nov 27, 2007 11:32 am

21. you know you're canadian when a polar bear tears down the wall of your igloo when you're chatting
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Re: a quick joke or two about Canada and my home town...Winnipeg

Postby Kensei » Thu Aug 20, 2009 4:33 am

Shadow wrote:When did Canada burn the capital to the ground? If this is so, it is not commonly taught in school.

The war of 1812 was a war faught between "British North America" (Canada) and the young United States. Canada was not exactly Canada at that time, we were a british owned land and the people that lived here were all British, Irish and or Native. A few others for good measure as well I would guess. Anyways the war lasted three years and began over American expansion plans into Canada. After a first war were the American people successfully left the British Empire and struck out on their own, they felt they could take Canada by force and expand north into Ontario and Quebec as well. Well it did not work out so well for the Americans. With the British pushing ships of soldiers into Canada and the islands off the USA and the Canadian Militia just proving to much for the American regulars the war was lost in three years.
With several Canadian militia units the British pushed into the US Capital and burned the new Capital building and the "White house" to the ground. At the time the White house was not much more than a Pink building. All of this occured in 1814 in retaliation for the Americans looting and sacking York in 1813 (now Toronto).

The reason that you do not hear much about it in US class rooms is that the US lost the war horribly. They intended on grabbing some land in retaliation for restrictions that the British put on traid with the US's biggest traid partner at the time, the French...whom England was having issues with and looked like they might go to war with.

In 1815 the British pulled forces from the fight with the upstart young Americans and had to head all their soldiers to a small war they were having with the French! Just prior to that the treaty of Ghent was signed and the war was over. Infact after that British North Americans, seeing the one sided victory that they had over the states, began feeling rather strong and started the process ( along ass process) of becoming semi-independent of the British rulers...who did not notice as they were busy fighting with the French. As a result in 1867 the Dominion of Canada was formed...

So, we kind of owe us kicking the Americans tail for our entire country being born!

Shadow wrote:What is a Manitoban?

A Manitoban is a crazed tough creature that lives in the only place on the face of the earth that can fall to minus 40 and go to plus 35 in a year and not complain about the weather, but focises on bitching about everything from pot holes to politics in one minute! Or just those crazy enough to live in Manitoba! Kind of like how they call New york residence New Yorkers, well someone living in Manitoba...the dead center of Canada...is known as a Manitoban!

Shadow wrote:What are francophones, anglophones and allophones?

LOL, Francophone: Someone that speaks French as a first language! Canada has the second largest population of French speaking people outside of France...its called Quebec!

Anglophone:someone who speaks English as a first language. Most of Canada falls into this catagory. However more an more people moving to Canada are making Anglophones and Francophones less and less the norm!

Allophone: Is someone that does not speak English or French as a first language. yes they must learn one to become a Canadian, but they mostly speak Chinese, Phillipino, German, ext and so on.

Shadow wrote:Homo milk is just what you call milk there, right?


We have Skim milk, 1%, 2%, 3% or Homo milk.... all depends on the fat in the milk. A Skim milk drinker is drinking very low fat milk, a Homo milk drinker is drinking basically CREAM!
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Re: a quick joke or two about Canada and my home town...Winnipeg

Postby Kensei » Fri Aug 21, 2009 3:58 am

Shadow wrote:On the War of 1812: That's funny, usually the winner gets to write history; here we just don't tell you. Typical for our government. Question though, you guys really trust your government there?


HELL NO! I think that both systems are currupt. I mean in the states you Have rich guys backing and or running for office and once they get it they basically cow down to the big rich interest groups, basically nothing happens and they end up with rich guys that basically do what they are told or do what is best for them.
In Canada we vote for a party, run by a guy that was voted to run the party...by the party! We dont get to vote for the individual, which may not be to bad. But in your system you have two parties whom you can basically vote for we have FOUR or more! And if you vote for a smaller party you are pretty sure the guy you vote in is NOT going to be PM!

Lets see, We get a Liberal government and the health care gets money but no supervision, so they spend tones and do little. Laws get written but never passed, basically nothing happens and the small guy goes no were, no improvement nothing!

We get a PC group (conservitive) in and big business loves it, tones of tax breaks and we get alot of new business moving to Canada, but the little guy gets screwed because teh taxes go up big time, services (health care ext) get cut like crazy and the government gets a mouthy SOB that makes us all look like jerks....or we get some guy that is so budy budy with outside countries that we basically give them our first child to look good!

And if we ever had an NDP group in (think far left) We might get better services and lower taxes for a while, but eventually evey one is out of work because they tax the living shit out of big business and chase them away, Jack Latton (NDP LEADER) Pisses of the americans by calling them oppressive and bullies...way to go smiling Jack! and we end up making our closest friends and allies mad at us!

Oh, and then the Bloc Quebec party that would have Quebec leave canada, the Green party that wants us all driving green cars and eating wheat grass...an that is pretty much it! The Comunists, the libertarians and so on and so forth.

The Canadian governement can not be trusted anymore than the American governement but for different reasons. Were the US government may be run by shady guys and the back room deals are NOT in the best interest of the US people...and that is not to mention the wars they get into and find out are bogus, the Canadian Governement can not be trusted because who the fuck can understand them...which is why we would rather just turn the channel and watch a hockey game, Drink a beer and bitch about the fucking government...does not matter who is in power :wink:

Shadow wrote:On Francophones, Anglophones and Allophones: Man, what a drag. I thought I was getting some underground info on new cell phones yet to hit the market lol. I could even find those in he dictionary. I could use those to throw someone off.

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Shadow wrote:On Homo Milk: I can rest assure gays aren't demand their own food products!

No worries, if gay guys wanted their own food...it would not be milk!!! :wink:
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