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[Kensei]

Okay, so it has been a while since I have done a chronicle, and my apologies. I have been busy trying to raise a baby girl and work my arse off at work. But here is funny list of ten dumb ass moves I have seen in my 30 plus years of bar jumping, working the bars and tournament fighting.
10. I know Karate...and 12 other asian sounding words: When I was bouncing at a local bar I can not count on my hands the number of guys that said they were golden gloves boxers, or took some form of kick ass style of fighting. One guy however took the cake. He wore a jacket that said "Karate Kid Karate dojo" I swear to god. And having been in the Karate world since the mid 70's I can tell you we dont have a gay ass club like that in Winnipeg. Add to the fact that he got piss drunk with his one budy and started bugging the girls, we had to toss him out. And for one was not sad! He actually had the nerve to yell "hey! Dont touch me....I know Kratty"! Made me almost laugh, but then he started going into his best crane stance...I swear to god! So we grabbed him by the hair and belt and dragged "daniel-san" out to the parking lot. He tried to take a "kratty" swipe at me and I dropped him with a shin kick to the temple. My bouncer budy and I laughed all night about how "my Karate is stronger than his (said in cheese chinese accent). My boss told me he came in the next night and was looking for the guy that sucker punched him. When he told him who I was and what I did outside of bouncing he left. My boss told me that he turned white when he told him he could find me at the Japan Karate Association of the kickboxing gym!

9. Dont piss me off I know someone real tough!:I hate drunk guys, and what I hate more than them are idiots that start fights based on the fact that they have a bunch of buddies backing them up! This one guy used to like to pick fights and then say "yah, well me and my buddies...." and the fight would be off. The funny thing is that he was my buddy. It used to piss me off when he would say "you got my back right?"…..NO! So one time “Timmy” was mouthing off during a game of pool and picked a fight with one of the guys. It was so funny, he shoved a guy that was bigger than him and not much of a fighter. But his buddies were. As we saw it happening we figured out that we did not want to fight these guys, not that we were scared, but we just did not want to fight them. They seemed like good guys and they were not starting it. So, when Timmy started the fight we basically all grabbed out shit while he was mouthing off and with his back to us and mouth wide open…we left. The guys told us they let Timmy of the hook later but it was so funny that all started laughing as he looked like he was going to crap his pants.

8.You get the first shot:: Okay, this one is on me, I did not always have the solid sence of personal servival. I used to go to the Polish combatants club (think legion but with a lot more vodka than beer) with my cousins and drink with the old me. We were 14 and 15 and according to the old timers old enough to drink. Now their was a guy their named Victor. He was about four to five years older than me and a bit bigger. He also liked to cheat when he faught. He used a rolled up hand full of dimes to add weight to his swing. Now I had seen him use the dimes to his advantage before and never thought anything of it. But one time I got rather torked on some old Vodka ( strangly home made stuff the guys brought in did not taste like much but burned like hell when you drank it). So after drinking what probably contributed to more than one hand full of grey matter dying I got into a tussle with Victor over something I can not remember. We went outside and wrestled with the old men yelling at us in polish what to do. Growing up in a russian household I had trained in what Grampa Walter had called “family sambo” which he picked up in the army while he was in Russia. We both had good moves and we both had a good run. But then it got serious and we started sluggin it out. We were broken up and we left the club. When outside he wanted to fight more and so did I but not wanting to get in shit when I got home I said to him “you ge the first shot” thinking that I would not get in shit if I did not start it. Well I forgot about the dimes. He was more than happy to swing away, he cracked my jaw, knocked half my teeth loose and I was KO’d for about four minutes. Lucky my cousins made sure he stopped with one punch only and I got off “Easy” from that point on….I swing first!

7. Wait…no seriously…wait, this is cool:: I think Everyone has let someone do something dumb to them before. Once in class I fell for the “Smell this glue…it smells like rasberry” and the guy puts a dab on your hand and when you snif it he hits the bottom of your hand and you get it in your face. But this was way more serious. I was sitting in French class (yah, French in Canada is like Spanich in the states…and we both end up only able to ask for a beer or were the bath room is after 7 years of one class a week) anyways. This guy starts farting around with some other guys in class and trys to choke them out. Bare hands on neck kind of choke. Well apparently this was a fight that had been carrying on from the gym class were the class bully started bugging this poor guy that was his “friend”. The guy started turning purple and kind of slouching a bit. He was out on his feet and the guy was not letting go. The teacher was not in class and we were all kind of scared this kid would be killed. One of the wrestlers stepped in finally and we broke it up. The poor little guy had brused hand prints on his neck and we all basically avoided the bully for a while. Dumb thing number seven in a fight…trusting a bully in a bad situation.
6. I hate beer bottles more than bikers:: I was bouncing one night when a crazy ass buddy of mine came in. He sat down and started drinking early and was not really in a great mood. Well the night was young and as usual a few of the local bikers showed up to put their feet up and have a cold one. We never had issues with the bikers in our area or our bar. As long as you showed them respect they did the same for you. Hell a few times they saved my ass in a fight. Well, the buddy I had, who went by the nick name “muffin” was drinkin and not thinkin! He bounced off one of them in the can and started shoving him. The guy was still not drunk and kind of pushed Muffin around and told him to silber up. Well, when Muffin came out of the pisser he went to the bar and the more he drank the hotter he got about being roughed up and then left to think about it. Well four more bikers showed up and Muffin was not sure what to do about his built up anxt! He later told me that he really thought his next move would prove to separate the bikers and make him safer by making them think he was nuts! He grabbed a full beer and smashed it over his head. His next move would have been to Scream like a beserker and charge them….but he picked a beer that had not been empty and the cap still on it. He brained himself, the bottle did not break and all you saw was a wild eyed nut job KO himself just off the dance floor! Lesson number six…if you are going to try to scare people don’t grab a mini coold club and blast yourself over the head!

5. I will just impress them with my dancing skills:: Sometimes you don’t have any explanation for what others do to pump themselves up or scare others. One fight I got into at a local watering hole was so weird it basically started me laughing and I never did get into the fight I was geared up for. This kid had been lipping off all night and was with a friend of a friend at the bar. I tried to ignore him but he began thinking he would pick on me because I am 5’6” tall and not a big guy at all…height wise. He figured he would pick on me and then try and pick up the chicks and get some….LMAO, this joker was warned about ten times by me and my friends to grow up and chill out. He called me shorty and made funny comments about the lilliput guild ext. Finally I had enough, his insults were just to much and he was one of those guys you just want to punch in the face. He was racist (me being part Jewish and I wear both a star of David and a cross) he finally pushed my button with the Kike comment. I shoved him against the wall and was about to make his face hamburger when a bouncer asked me to take him outside. I was more than happy and he was not backing down. The bars I went to all had guys that knew me and they probably wanted to watch me get a work out. I was so mad I could spit dirt! Then it happened. We were outside, I took off my leather jacket and wanted at him, but he did the old “wait…no just wait….” And began warming up…..As you will read only the second time I have seen this not work out for someone. The guy began break dancing like Michael Jackson…moon walking ext. I could not stop laughing. I grabbed my jacket from the fire hydrant and walked back in. the Bouncers gave him his jacket and told him to take his gay ass home!

4. I love wearing cow boy boots at the bar:: One should always consider what they wear to a bar or out on the town as being a potential liability. The funniest things I have seen are guys at a country bar I worked at slidding in the snow on the way to the door and the dance floor were they will put those boots to good use. This one particular time illustrated why one should bring the boots to the bar, but change into them and not wear them outside in Winnipegs winter. One fight I saw ended up with both cowboys slipping and slidding all over the place. It is best to not wear them…

3. So, how drunk do you have to be to not feel a punch in the face? :: One of the other things I have seen that cracks me up is the Booze Breads Balls effect. Way to many guys not remembering that getting hit in the face HURTS like a bitch! One time a guy I was watching was so drunk he thought that he was much better than he was. He got into a fight and actually figured it would not hurt if he got hit in the face, but the balls…well not the balls. He kept his hands down and got KTFO and woke up with a shattered cheek bone and a hang over. Not the way you want to spend your Saturday or Sunday!

2. Dont move, I have a gun....would you believe a hockey puck? :: I great up in a tough neighborhood. Lots of first gen. Canadians and “new to Canada” families. They had it rough because English was not easy and a lot of them came from places were your father might get dragged out and shot in the head just because he did not vote the “right way”. We had lots of fights, and growing up with my dad as a teacher in the school I went to did not help. As tough as we had it we had one unwritten rule…no guns. You could bring a bat, chain, knife or the ever popular hockey stick to the fight, but never a gun. It was better to beat the piss out of someone and let him live to remember it than snuff him out and go to “kiddy jail”. Well, I was in Junior High and we were playing Soccer…or Beat on the guy with the ball…as we called it. Every guy we had in our team would bust up the other team and we got about as good as well. I would toss someone and get nailed in the back by his buddy. Well at one point a guy from the other side got beat on pretty bad and he swung around with his hand in his hoodie like he had a gun…We all spread out like someone farted and were watching him scared and curious. Well about two seconds into his screaming fit (in some African dialect) his mom yelled his name and was PISSED. He lived about three houses away from the school yard and his mom saw him wip out his hand like a gun! But he was distracted and his hand slid out the other side of the hoodie pocket and he had a hockey puck in his hand…..Yah, he got his ass beat at home then the next day in gym he got it just as bad! Dumb ass move number two….dont bring a gun to a pucking fight!

1. Let me warm up first:: I know I have told you all about this one before but it reprosents the dumbest thing I have ever seen someone do in a fight. I was watering myself at a local watering hole when this punk ass kid came in with “city TKD champion” on his purple and white jacket. He started hitting on this one girl at the bar…the wife of a local Canadian National Rail worker…who was at the table with her. He was much bigger than the little guy and as the nigh went on it was getting worse. So one thing leads to another…a beer spilt on the other guys girl and fight breaks out. But the bouncers were quick to toss them outside. I followed looking for a good fight and saw the funniest thing I had EVER seen in a fight. The guys kind of sauntered across the street and the TKD guy said he wanted to warm up and not hurt himself on the bigger rail worker. Well you can see threw that and say it was him trying to intimidate the bigger guy with his speed and yes…his flexibility. The guy kicked the air a bit and then split right out to the side splits. Very impressive…but the Rail worker kind of stepped back and looked then stepped in long and stepped right on the TKD guys Sack! The scream and shreak that the TKD guy let out let us all know that their were some serious damage done! The fight was over, we all went back and bout the Rail worker and his very nice looking girl friend a few rounds fo rthe entertainment…and the fight and I don’t think anyone ever really checked on the TKD guy. Moral of the story….Dont show off when you should be showing up!

Anyways I have seen dozens of great fights that were about as good as a MMA event, but the ones that stick out are the ones that don’t go the way that they should because someone became a dumb ass overnight. Like the JKD/TKD local hero that slipped in the slush and Kod himself enough for an untrained shchmuck to jump him and pound him till I stepped in to save his ass.

The true moral of the story is not to fight….it is pretty much the only way to make sure you don’t look like a complete idiot! Sit back, drink a beer and grab the girls that are dancing while the boys are outside fighting. In all my years…those are the winners of the night…not the guy with the busted Knuckles and the stories of fights to tell…but the guy that can tell you were the hot blond has the cutest little birth mark!

[Asa87]

lol good read kensei.

[Reymode]

I swear Kensei should have his own show. It would be great shit.