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Uncle Kenseis Chronicles! light me up baby!!

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Uncle Kenseis Chronicles! light me up baby!!

Postby Kensei » Thu Apr 26, 2007 6:52 am

One day I was sitting around the old homestead with some buddies drinking. I was fresh out of high school and just received the coveted black belt that I had worked so hard to get. Well, as the summer afternoon went on I started get a bit of a buz on as we sat around in the heat and drank cold Canadian beer.
As sometimes happens when three young male Canadians sit around drinking, someone comes up with a “brilliant” idea. And as usual, it was me that would be playing the major part in this idea. When I was a bit younger their was a TV show called “that’s incredible”. It was a show that played videos of guys doing stunts and martial arts tricks. Well, one of my buddies “pork chop” ( I could not make that one up if I wanted to) thought it would be a good idea to try one of those tricks…or rather have me try it. So, he set out looking for supplies around my new house. My family had just built a home and lots of scrap wood ext was kicking around. Well, after about an hour of slowly and drunkenly looking around he found everything we (he) would need to have us (Me) do the one trick he thought would be real cool. The flaming board break!
Now, if I was straight I would have told him to go to hell, but as I had finished about ten beer at this point and it was getting hot out, even I thought it would be cool if one of us (not me) would break this board while it was ablaze.
He set up this neatly stacked set of bricks on one side and on the other was a big cylinder block that was part of the wall we had built to fire pit. He placed a board, a 2 by 4, on the two bricks. Part of me knew this was a bad idea, but what the hell it was not me doing the stunt…this aught to be funny! Now he calls me over and says “okay, karate man break this!” at first I hesitated then said I would break it with my foot! Both of my buddies started to make fun of me, cant have that now can we? Add one part stupid macho kid and ten beer and you get an idiot that will pretty much do anything to impress his buddies and also save face and honor!
As I knelt down to try this masterful break, pork chop reached out and stopped me, at first it was a “thank God” moment, then he said in his slurred British accent, “ no wait we forgot the fire part”, CRAP!
Seconds later this instigator had doused down the board in lighter fluid and was ready to light it. When I say doused, I mean soaked and then some. The pools of fluid should have been a dead give away that this was a bad idea! The flames still were not hiding the small pools of fluid that were aiding in the heat of the fire that we had inadvertently started. If we had left this little inferno the wood probably would have been eaten up by flames in a matter of a short minute or two. But I was now on a mission, a drunk and stupid mission, but that board was going to be broken. I mustered up all of my drunken courage and raised my arm up and in the biggest kung fu theater movement and scream, I started to smash my arm down threw the wall of fire to find the board, and hopefully break it.
Now, their comes a time in every stupid act were the person performing the act realizes that this is in fact a stupid act and tries to put the breaks on it. Add enough good old Canadian gold and that moment comes about a minute after it should! As my arm hit the plank, and the pool of unspent lighter fluid, three things happened all at once! The first was the dull thunk that was very audible and stopped my buddies from laughing right away. They knew the board did not break, and they also knew something was very wrong…That moment seemed to have hit them at the same time it did me…..Ever wonder why we suddenly have an explanation as to why something did not happen….a few seconds after it does not happen and not before? The second thing was the sharp, deep ache that ran up my arm to my elbow and into my gutt! My wrist snapped like a twigg and I could feel the tip of my Ulna snap off of the body of the bone as it made contact with the immovable object…Point of fact, you will never see a guy breaking 2 by 4s during a Karate Demo, especially one that is lit on fire, and if you need further explanation…stop drinking now! The third and final instant event that changed the afternoon pretty much right away, was the spray of lit lighter fluid that sprayed out as I struck he board. At first it looked really cool, until I noticed the burning feeling on my legs, chest and arm! Can you say stop drop and roll? Thank God that brand new house of ours was about a yard away from a man made lake…The sight of a half dressed teen running like a mad man towards the fresh cool body of water set my buddies off laughing again!
After extinguishing myself and driving myself to the hospital I came home with a cast, a hang over and a lot of first degree burns on my arm, chest and legs. Now, the act of breaking my arm, lighting myself on fire and loosing a lot of chest hair was one thing….but Can you imagine having to explain this to three nurses, two doctors and a X-Ray guy! That was priceless!

I would love to say that I learned not to do stupid things when I was drunk from this experience, but what can I say, I was a child of the ‘80’s with more money and time to spend than brains. That year I wrote off two cars, crashed a bike…of the roof of our house, tried jousting for the first and last time…on a motorcycle, tried boomerang catching, made home made napalm, blew a tree up and ran a riding lawn mower into the lake. Man that was a good summer…oh, and that was only the stupid stuff I did at home……
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Postby Reymode » Thu Apr 26, 2007 10:27 am

Freaking hilarious!!! Kids don't try this at home. LMAO

I would love to hear your jousting story. I remember when I was Okinawa, Japan the natives (early twenty year olds) used to joust on motorcycles :shock: They had person in the front would drive as the person behind them held a broom stick. They used drive in the middle of street against each other.
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Postby Kensei » Thu Apr 26, 2007 11:41 am

Reymode wrote:Freaking hilarious!!! Kids don't try this at home. LMAO

I would love to hear your jousting story. I remember when I was Okinawa, Japan the natives (early twenty year olds) used to joust on motorcycles :shock: They had person in the front would drive as the person behind them held a broom stick. They used drive in the middle of street against each other.


Similar story I guess, but add beer....I live in Canada,.....just add beer is our national saying!

When I was younger my buddies and I thought it would be funny to Joust on our BMX bikes, first off they were old bikes and we barely fit them. Secondly we were looped on wobbly pops!

We got hockey sticks and one of my buddies had two TKD body protectors, very old and not much protection. I put on my cousins hockey gloves and helmet and away we went.
I backed up about half a block and started peddling as fast as we could at each other. First go round we missed, it is harder to peddle drunk and aim a stick at your buddy than you would think. After straitening ourselves, having a quick drink we backed up a bit more and agreed that I would pass on his left! After shouting like drunken idiots for about three minutes we started off this time with the goal of nailing each other good. After getting up to speed I coasted and put the hockey sticks blade in my armpit and leveled the other end at his body! Keeping in mind it was night and the visibility, as drunk as we were, was not bad…but by street light in the country!
As the other end of my Hockey stick/ Jousting spear hit the chest protector of my buddy we both stopped dead in mid air. His stick had smashed into my unprotected right shoulder while mine hit him square in the middle of his chest protector.
Both bikes collided as the riders were removed! And all I felt was my body meeting the pavement and the booze dulled pain in my shoulders.

After the both of us got to the hospital I found that My Left shoulder had been separated by absorbing the impact of the hockey stick hitting by buddy and “gun stock recoil” into my shoulder. My other shoulder had a sever bruise on the biceps tendon and anterior deltoid…and boy did it look cool. Only took a sling and some pain meds to get me home. My buddy was not so lucky. My hockey stick went pretty much were it was aimed and cracked his sternum and two ribs, he also had a huge splinter in his chest from the wood hockey stick he was using.

Moral of the story…if you are going to joust at midnight, drink lots of beer and use a fiberglass hockey stick like I did!
:wink:
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Postby andrewjonez » Thu Apr 26, 2007 6:56 pm

Which area of Canada do you live?
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Postby Kensei » Fri Apr 27, 2007 5:52 am

Right in the middle....winnipeg.
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